Giving up on Friendship

I've given up on friendship. It's too dramatic, selfish, petty. I wish I had figured this out sooner.

Many of the major tear sopped disappointments in my life have centered around relationships that haven't satisfied me because the other person in the relationship stops paying attention to me. She probably doesn't even need a friendship with me anyways so why do I go to so much trouble doing nice things for her? Sometimes it has been a deeper wound like when I've gone through a major crisis alone. But the worst is when a "friend" is upset because I forgot to be kind, and then I'm the thankless, ungrateful snob. I like keeping track of the score in a basketball game, but not in a relationship. It's too complicated. That's why I'm not going to be friends with anyone anymore. Not even my husband.

It's time to find a new word. I can't find anything in the Bible about friendships the way most of us think about them. The search for a friendship that is mutually beneficial 100% of the time is unrealistic. Every relationship is unbalanced as far as the give and take quotient. Last week someone told me she was deeply offended because someone wasn't returning a favor. She had extended a couple of generous invitations but the other person hadn't responded with equally friendly gestures. It sounded too much like the disappointments I have experienced.

But there's a way to end that kind of disappointment. "A friend loves at all times," "greater love has no man than this: that he lay down his life for a friend," and "love does not seek its own." Love isn't selfish or proud, either, and it doesn't keep a record of wrongs. Forget "friendship." I'm going to be satisfied with loving others without expecting anything in return. I've tried this for about a year without realizing what I was doing and have found it deeply satisfying. It is truly more blessed to give than to receive. When Jesus looked at Peter after being betrayed, I wonder what was in His eyes. Whatever it was made Peter weep. I think it was the kind of love I want to give people who aren't so good at returning favors. If Jesus had been Peter's "friend," as defined by most people I know, he would have glared with resentment and hurt. I wonder if I can love someone who betrays me. I'll have to work on preparing myself for the inevitable.

As far as the receiving part goes, anything that someone does for me - like remember my birthday or say "Hi" - goes into the "deeply undeserved box," and I will not be keeping track of who does what. So if you remember my bday on facebook, I may not return the favor. It's not because I don't love you. I'm actually committed to doing that even better. It's because I've given up on keeping records. It's bad for my health.

I don't want to sound like I'm trying to climb out of a self pity ditch. I really do feel loved. John described himself as "the disciple whom Jesus loved." He realized his deep debt to Jesus. He knew that he could not even describe himself as a good friend because Jesus' love for him was so much greater. I am the woman whom Jesus loves, whom Mark loves, whom so many others love. I can't begin to repay the debt, so I will spend each day loving others without thinking about the score. I'll keep calling her to see how she's doing - even if she never initiates calls to me - that doesn't matter. I'll invite them over again - even if they never invite us to their home - that's not an issue. I'll be so busy loving that I won't have time to keep track of favors owed or which person is top on the list to get my attention (besides my dear husband and children).

I'm calling a time out and erasing the scoreboard. No more friendships. Just selfless, endless love. It's hard, but it's deeply satisfying. May God help me.